Sarah Silverman at the VMAs
This is so exciting. Was that incredible? Britney Spears, everyone. Wow, she is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind-blowing.
And she’s so grown up, she’s a mother. It’s crazy. It’s weird to think that just a few years ago on this very show, she was a sweet, innocent girl in slutty clothes writhing around with a python. No, that’s not nice calling Madonna a python.
But have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh, my God, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see. They are so cute. They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of. What? I’m serious, they’re this cute, you guys. [Imagine for yourself what she’s doing.]
Wow, look at all the big stars here tonight. This is amazing. Paris, no Paris jokes tonight. I’m over that, I miss us. It’d be lame. And let me tell you something else. If you had any idea how much I misused all of my orifices in my early twenties, you would realize it was really the pot calling the kettle whorish, or whatever. That was not cool, at all.
Wow, this is awesome. Hey, wow. I can’t believe this-50 Cent is here. Can I just say, I think it is so cute that he is still alive. I love that.
You know, a lot of, like, musicians and stuff, you guys will cite exhaustion to get out of stuff. And let me tell you. No one is buying it anymore. I’m going to give you advice, three words that will get you out of anything: “I have diarrhea.” You’re welcome.
“I can’t do my show tonight, I have diarrhea. Oh, it’s Monday? I’m going to have diarrhea Monday, too.” No one will think you’re lying, it’s too humiliating.
I was talking to Cee-Lo backstage, and I asked him, “When you were growing up in Atlanta, did you encounter any racism?” And he said something really interesting. He said, “I’m Kanye West.” And that was a little bit embarrassing. But he let me off the hook, he said don’t worry about it. He said, “Don’t worry, all Jews look the same to me, too.” Which obviously is ridiculous because Jews are like snowflakes…everyone is different.
Thank you, Seth.
Like Amy Winehouse, she’s Jewish. Everyone is different. She is Jewish, right? If she isn’t, someone should tell her face. ‘Cause she has one of these [scrunches up her face].
All right, that’s it. I wish I could stay longer, but I have diarrhea.
December 22, 2007 No Comments
Video from The Sarah Silverman Program
Sarah Learns She Can
December 22, 2007 No Comments
The Sarah Silverman Standup Class
Sarah ‘teaches’ a group of young girls about stand-up comedy.
December 22, 2007 No Comments
The Sarah Silverman Program Episode Guide
Season One:
1. “Officer Jay” - After taking too much cough syrup, Sarah ends up driving her car onto a playground and getting charged with a DUI. The charges are dropped when her sister Laura meets and begins dating Officer Jay, the police officer who arrested her. Meanwhile, Brian tries to convince Steve that he’s bisexual.
2. “Humanitarian of the Year” - In order to upstage Jay for winning a Humanitarian of the Year award, Sarah invites a mentally unstable homeless man into her home to prove she is a caring person. Meanwhile, Steve gets upset when Brian fails to use his karate skills to defend him.
3. “Positively Negative” - Sarah decides to cure her boredom by taking an AIDS test and she assumes that she has AIDS before actually finding out the results of the blood test. She begins spending her sister’s money to become a spokeswoman for AIDS awareness. Meanwhile, Laura finds out that due to his strange relationship with his deceased mother, Jay never celebrated his birthday; so, she sets out to throw him his first birthday party. Jimmy Kimmel makes a cameo as Joan the Dispatcher.
4. “Not Without My Daughter” - Sarah encourages a young girl to enter a beauty pageant in order to fulfill her own childhood dreams. Meanwhile, after Steve farts in a police car and refers to it as a “bomb” during a phone conversation with Brian, he and Brian are brought in for questioning by the NSA.
5. “Muffin’ Man” - Sarah attempts to explore her sexuality by pretending to be a lesbian. Meanwhile, Brian and Steve argue over Tab.
6. “Batteries” - Sarah searches for AA batteries so that she can use her remote to turn off a television benefit for extremely sick children, and then sings a song about the world’s problems after accidentally pooping during a farting match, and Sarah has a one-night stand with God. Though it was the last to air, this episode was actually the pilot. The episode “Muffin Man”, which aired a week earlier, included a flashback to this episode.
Season Two:
1. “Bored of the Rings” - Sarah discovers that the community group she recently joined is a radical anti-abortion group intent on bombing the clinic where Laura volunteers. Meanwhile, a Dungeons & Dragons game interferes with Steve and Brian’s plans for a date night.
2. “Joan of Arf” - Authorities take Sarah’s dog Doug away when she is witnessed licking his hindquarters. Distraught, Sarah goes on a quest to redeem herself.
3. “Face Wars” - Sarah wagers that it’s easier to be a black person in American than a Jewish person, and attempts to prove it by becoming “black” for a day with the help of a makeup artist. She embarks on an odyssey in which she becomes the beloved and persecuted leader of a unique racial justice movement. Brian and Steve grievously miscalculate the potency of medical marijuana.
4. “Doodie” - After their mother’s grave - and skeleton - is defiled, the Silverman sisters become contestants on their favorite TV show in hopes of winning the money to replace the tombstone. In the stress of competition, Sarah’s childish obsession with doodie humor rocks her relationship with Laura, and threatens the honor of their departed mother.
5. “Ah, Men” - Sarah enters a serious romance with God. She starts to sour on his neediness and deep-seeded insecurity, but she also wants to show him off at her high school reunion. Brian and Steve wonder if smoking marijuana is what originally caused them to be gay.
6. “Maid to Border” - Sarah fires her maid, Dora, believing that she has stolen her beloved Hamburglar doll. When her life slips into filthy disarray, Sarah goes to Mexico to get her maid back, but Dora has since gained unexpected power.
December 21, 2007 No Comments
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